notes from the book that was excerpted in the previous post …
natural reflection
go into nature; for some peace …
sumo bumping
[ as opposed to less-on ]
yup, the three white flowered trees
so, there is an interesting scientification of the trinity, therewithin …
an intensive read
[ / in-tense road = slowly, but surely ]
but i came out the other side with insights i did not have before,
and put to rest my shame [stirred up] from recent dealings …
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving – Pete Walker –
addendum
a trip to the muses
collage(n)
the difference between guilt and shame
or why i have regressed
— f#@k ! it sucks to have ended up in retrograde; but alas, up and at it –
fear – which only resides in the mind … and calls out for evidence; this is the ruse – life abides to what the mind truly desires, and vibrates out …
auth – to be master, to cause to grow
author – my story is one of growth
authority – it is i , ceded / seeded from higher self / holy spirit
authentic – to be true
[ guilt is when the action is wrong/bad,
shame is the story that i am fundamentally bad;
to answer the title more straightforwardly ]
damn the tor-pe-dont’s
a family story to leave behind, where it belongs:an extremely over-inflated super ego ; and the total lack of ego, to the point that self-protection is seen as anathema [*] … that to even want to be ad-dressed by my own given name is a symptom of being egotistical, narcissistic, disloyal, disparaging, etc.
The super ego : that which is above the individual ego – family, religion, country, political party, money, job, abstract ideas, etc. Do i fit into a larger structure – as meaning, importance, safety (the appearance thereof) ?
Growing up, i was not allowed individual expression. I was allowed to be smart (defined as giving others the answers they wanted), i was allowed to be “ukrainian” (especially to perform recitals; showing others i can do the song and dance as expected).
To wit: my name is john andrew harbar. my family called me “ivan”, pronounced as “yvonne” (the cyrillic language doesn’t use the english “i” sound). Up and through my 20s, i did not respond to john – teachers and family called me “harbar” [i.e., by my super-ego identification]. My mother, at a very young age, made sure to tell me how much she hated my name – “john”. She wanted to name me “taras”. Along with the hatred of my given name (john) – was the hatred of my father – you guessed it – john. The focal point of all my mother’s ills and disappointments – and to whose blame all the misery of the family would be directed – blame, shame, etc.
My maternal grandfather’s name in english was jan iwaniec – translated from slavic, it was literally john johnson; i.e., john, the son of john. John, the son of John [needless to say, the maternal family hated john johnson, and adored anna [except maria, who hated them both]. Descendant of John, son of John. And yet, the hatred for the name John. The hatred for anything other than the giving and performing for others.
An unindividuated person denied my own first name … and ridiculed for asking to be called John – at the least, i understand why family means so very little to me .
add in, how many times i’ve heard my mother tell me how she wished she would have been more aware, so as to never have ended up with my father. yes, hatred of my name, regret for having me, hatred for half of what constitutes me … ironically, my mother’s biggest gripe against my father in a letter from the divorce was how my father’s family did not accept her. Literally, more than half of the letter (~ 70%) had nothing to do with her husband – no, he meant nothing to her by and large, just that his mother and sisters did not accept her (stephanya, my paternal grandmother did not accept one of her own daughters, fwiw) –
Ironic, because that lack of acceptance is what i’ve always felt around family … hardy-har-har …
tyme to let go of the resentment, let go of the desire to prove my worth / gain acceptance to those that have no interest in who i am … and never have — more accurately, the very budding of individuality is smothered at the first hints of divergence from … the sanctioned, official story: “We had it easy, whether feelings were suppressed, communication was not existent, or all sorts of rules were in place – we had it easy.” [ rinse and repeat ad infinitum {the origin story}, i.e. you are bad; return to being a deaf-dumb-mute-powerless child {like the good old days ! ]
what is the point ?
Glad i asked mySelf that !– in the last year, i have had quite the wild ups and downs. the loss of familial relations has been cemented in, by and large [ alas, certainly not my first choice ]… and yet, instead of moving on, and continuing on the progress i was making in my own life … i retreated into the super-ego intellectual-masturbatory trivialities of the slavic civil war …
Hardy-har-har ! life can be so gra – grating gracious gray gradual gratuitous grand gracefull ? so there is the flight from the ego into either the id (animalesque passions) or the superego (intellectual flight into more abstract realms).
I will end with this lengthy excerpt from Ronald Thomas West:
Cosmology is the Conspiracy
It would appear quite possible that groups of people create collective realities seeming unconsciously, and cause via their collective belief, events to take on what would appear to be an ‘unconscious’ but in reality is a ‘super-conscious’ intelligence that is organized, functions as though it were managed by individuals (even when it is not) and the result is, we can read into those events as though they were managed in a sense they actually are not.
This collective ‘meme’ can explain what is called in the biblical sense ‘principalities of darkness’ or that is to say a ‘spirit of evil’ managing events in a sense of both conspiracy and superstition.
There is quite a bit of ‘coincidental incidence’ in our world indicating peoples of the western culture are creating reality quite independent of self- aware thought and, to a rational observer, it could seem almost certainly by design when in fact this is not necessarily the case. Such would explain a belief in Illuminati when in fact it did not exist in any individual self conscious or ego-aware organized form but nevertheless manifest as an observable phenomena of symptoms or consequence derived from a collective super-conscious phenomenon.
A conclusion could be there is a ‘super awareness’ of the group causes what appears to be ingenious evil of conspiracy when in fact there is no one individual or group of managers within the group capable of implementing these designs which, nonetheless in actuality, are perceived.
To accomplish a reality of evil would only require evil ideas as cultural drivers…
from the family to the world ! as above, so below :
⸘ is the internet a driver to the id [porn] and the super-ego [politics], at the hands of superficial/narcissistic/shallow/fragile ego [influencers, twitter] ‽ a place of endless wonderment, or fear and be-little-ing ?
aaahhh, breathin’ out the toxic fumes …
continued in part II …
a slight listing
and decent commentary thereon
what war ? what, indeed …
in order to rationalize the worst directions of science – the easiest path is fear.
if we (any country, but let’s pick the united States) are under the threat of constant attack – well, we have to be prepared, no ? it would be irresponsible to not have the latest technology / weapons / precisely – in order to minimize civilian casualties, because we care so much !
The cold (war) had a great narrative to further this as well – Good vs. Evil, Freedom vs. Communism ; Propaganda is Awesome [nevermind that the west traded gave weapons systems to the soviets … ] This continues on and on, or how naïve am i ?
“Silicon Valley Bank is deeply committed to advancing gender parity and fostering diversity and inclusion, in our workplace and in the innovation economy at large,” said Greg Becker, CEO of Silicon Valley Bank. “Our clients, company and communities are made stronger when people of diverse backgrounds and experiences are able to bring their ideas and expertise to bear.”
Where are we currently ?— the plandemonium was not enough … not for the total abnegation / abrogation of basic, fundamental, human rights.
But if there is a new cold war? Regardless of the actual non-feasibility of another world war – global communications have rendered this likely impossible ?- i.e., i have more in common with the average citizen of both ukraine and russia as i do with other americans – but exceedingly less in common with power (corruption) in all of those places …
This is obvious (the enemy hasn’t been at the gates of the united States for a very long time – 1812 ? ) – ergo, the goal is to render government so inept and dysfunctional as to make people look to what, exactly, as the answer ? ( Elon Musk ! is silicon valley )
What, at a fundamental level, is Ai ? Oi – vey ?
Omni-intelligence without a body [ disembodied intellect / mind / min(e)d … ]
I have * regressed so much in the last year … time to pull the plug on this —
media entrapment/entrainment, dissociation, intellectualization —
salvage, integrate, move on from the past and the future …
into the present – pre-sent – gift of the nowness of life.
* [ whoa is me, hardy-har-har ! ]