the crux of mystery

wwi and wwii took surplus men and sent ’em to death and trauma; human blood sacrifice, anyone? bueller, bueller? to avert the coming stagflation and complications arising from the vaccine, why not start a new war?

My Greatest Hatred:
“NICE” people – and the spiritual home of nice people is the mid-west of the united States of america! [the path to hell is paved with good intentions!]

Me and Roman were in a huge fight – and he then pressured me into a phone call by calling me out – big man with big heart think he can smother me with fake love and fake compassion – the épitomé of a nice guy!
– CLEVER TRICK
Roman was almost beaten to death by Jan [at the least in his own mind] – he learned to avoid confrontation by being overwhelmingly nice. Challenge him slightly, frustrate him with one’s own conviction, and the real hateful condescension comes out … the “PEACE-MAKER” with a gun in his hand! UN in yugoslavia, US in Ukraine – I AM DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
So, I get him on screen in a video call – let me see you along with your words! Ha! The conversation starts, and it’s all niceties and sharing his plans with me – as if we weren’t in a fight! Or maybe we’ll talk about the weather for the first ten minutes, as if we were farmers whose livelihood depended on the interplay between weather and the growth of food crops!
JAH: Cut the shit, let’s get to it.

Yup, that makes me the self-centered asshole!

I have been labeled by Roman, Maria, and Angie as all sorts of “mad” in need of therapy …

the shame-based ad hominem attacks! Hardy-Har-Har! [instead of LOL, I will now use H-H-H! – since LOL always re-minded me of SOL! H-H-H! This has been brewing for months; ignore, avoid, withdraw … off to safe harbours [harbar] …

In Romans’ own words:
“So your relationship with your mother is anguished, unresolved, and torturing¹ . Welcome to the club. I could tell you stories about what your Baba Anna did throughout our family history that would make Danuta sound like an enlightened angel. OK,  I’ll tell you one. When we lived in Poland Anna’s only goal in life was to reunite with her brother Osyp-at any cost². He was the most important person in her life outside of her children. And at times we wondered if that was even true. But, my father had no interest in moving to America-none. So, at a loss as to how she could persuade Jan to move from a life Jan very much liked (he had status, friends, etc.) she and Osyp plotted out a plan. Anna paid off the local law enforcement officials to harass, arrest,  and beat up Jan for some fabricated reason. Anna played up the harassment and convinced Jan that the only way to escape it was to….move to America. Nice, huh?” – 17.05.20

I remember spending a winter re-treat at Maria’s condo; it was Maria, Donna, Roman, Marko, Angie, Marcus, and my-Self. Roman went to the bathroom. He, like the little snooping spy that he is, went through Maria’s drawers! He found birth control, and asked Maria about it. Maria responded that it was her friend Teri’s. Roman stated that she was pretty, and would like to be given an introduction to her by Maria …
i will now paraphrase Maria’s response:

No, she is a very good friend [best?], and I would not risk losing that friendship with a loser like you, Roman, Brother! Your track record with women speaks for itself!

Yikes, that was fairly on the nose, was it not? So what does Roman do?
Like the man that he is, Roman moved back to MI; where did he move? To be close with Marko and his burgeoning family? Nope; down the street from Maria, the next matriarch in line after the passing of Anna. Roman went looking for acceptance from Maria; the love and acceptance he never received from Anna!
– How did he attempt to win favour? By waiting for an opportunity to offer his skills (the act itself is commendable, the underlying reason/motivation is lamentable). So Maria wanted to renovate her condominium (which sadly, in all probability, still lacks a fireplace; although a roaring fire is the anti-thesis [kryptonite] to an ice-queen).

Roman builds Maria a nicer home. Showing worth, value. Then promptly sells his mobile home in Charlevoix and back to Montana he goes!

Roman, again: “All the best. Love is real and it’s what penetrates matter, space, and time better than any particle collider.”
– what a fucking tool.
Love is real – stipulated.
it penetrates matter, space, and time – stipulated
better than any particle collider – stipulated

Yet, put those phrases together, and what you get is Roman’s God – Science. Love does not penetrate – it invites. Penetration, in my mind, immediately goes sexual. My engorged dick in an “other”. That is not love; it can only be an act of love when there is an invitation – consent. matter, space, time – is not the aether a valid realm. what of the spiritual realm? H-H-H!

The trivium consists of grammar, logic, and rhetoric. I self-identify as a grammarian, and very proudly. Wow, who thought the whole pro-noun thing could be a positive! H-H-H!
Anyways, grammar, above all else, is the WHY. [purpose]
Logic is rationality, reason, and logic to test to see if the WHY is accurate. Am I on target, or am I in sin (sin = archery term, to miss the mark). it is the HOW.
Rhetoric is the ability to communicate to others, to spread truth if it survives the first two steps.

Roman, along with most of the world, are Logicians; Reasonable, and Rational – their god is love via being “nice” (? – well, personally, what roman, marko, maria, and donna have shown me is that love means putting others before yourself – which, fair enough, isn’t debilitating yet; it is my responsibility to guess what will make them happy [and marko, at the least, is unwilling to even discuss anything; and to repress any thoughts and feelings I might have that could possibly upset another person. donna’s admonition is show up and shut up [a cardboard cut-out for her photo album]). Thomas Nash and I laugh at these mis-guided souls!- if it were not so sad. h-h-h ;(

What is a particle collider, in reality? Multiples of billions of dollars are spent on this “technology”; this modern marvel of Roman’s god, Science!-
huge circles are built below the surface of the earth; down to Hades’ realm we go! buckle- up! [because in this world, safety is more important than a life well lived with reasonable risks – see covid]
down there, the smallest atoms are spun around as fast as possible. Then, these atoms are smashed! [god, it’s like fucking children. Grow up! Marko and I used to build lego vehicles, and smash them against each other in the cold dark basement of 48311 chesterfield drive …]
what is the point of all of this? to search for the “god particle”. I mean, this would be hilarious if it weren’t so fucking pathetic. From whence does this technology derive from?

Onto rhetoric! How does Roman communicate his definition of “love” – through violence [penetration] and a ripping of the time-space continuum [there are valid spiritual questions like did the atomic bomb open up a portal to other realms? that is the david lynch thesis in twin peaks, the return, episode 8; some also claim that the rash of “alien” and “ufo” activity after-wards was causal]

yikes, that is all i have the fortitude to write at this time.
– love is an invitation to share in the abundance of loving one’s Self, and loving God (the kingdom of Heaven is within) with others, if they are interested! – from a place of full acceptance and reverence!

bonus tracks:

versus

H-H-H! ;(
it is a hard road …

post script:
Roman, after the love misguided effort:

Ciao baby.
Love, Uncle Roman.

does this even need comment?- I’ll humour my-Self … addresses me as “baby”. then that word again …

but he sure as fuck titled himself with a capital letter; U[ncle]! why not go full hog,
God-Father?

1. the relevant words in the first email I sent to Roman 15.05.20:

…
I’ve recently went through a bit of a tough spell. A large measure of that was quite an incendiary couple of emails I sent to Danuta. And a large part of our relationship has been, over the years, through the intermediacy of Danuta.
…
One of the things I’ve been struggling with is my relationship with Danuta.  Truthfully, I don’t really remember a time where it was in a decent state.  I’ve decided to take a hiatus on my relationship with Danuta for a whole host of reasons, culminating over the years.
So, I don’t know how much you know, but the last time we interacted, was a voicemail I overheard, and your text explaining how you wanted to protect Danuta.

2. Was incest at play?- it is not beyond reproach. I have a clear memory of sucking on Anna’s nipple/breast well past my nursing age … and it would certainly lend credence as to why Jan and Lydia (?) had an affair. Jan being Anna’s husband, and Lydia (?) being Osyp’s {Josef’s} wife. See Lloyd deMause’s work for how widespread incest and pedophilia was historically. Lest you think this is unfair, crude, hurtful: Donna made sure I knew at a very young age (7-12?), and did not forget, that Stephanya stuck her tongue in my mouth, fed me butter, and that Stephanya convinced me that she was going to die in order to see her more often (which led to me thinking Donna was also close to death because she always referred to herself as old [and fat, and ugly, etc.])

post post-script:
i found it interesting that Donna chose to live off War-ren Road, twice. Marko has also decided to call home in between both of our child-hood homes, right there off of Warren as well. What i find interesting is that both decided to live on warren, but not in Warren. Warren is where the ukrainians of metro detroit call home – so instead of growing up in Warren on the east side, we grew up out on Warren road. So much war, these ukrainians…

Also victim-hood; i remember in high school doing a report on the “holodomor” – the ukrainian equivalent of the “holocaust”. Inflate the death toll! feel pity for me and my people! cry-fucking-babies, the whole bit and parcel – how fucking pathetic!

Do I Dare?  Do I Dare?  Disturb the Universe?
– The Love Song of J. Prufrock, by T.S. Eliot

a poem of mine [before i knew of the t.s. eliot poem or frank turner], circa 2014?

Broken Boulevards & Winding Dreams

Deny for oh so long,
I can’t hear myself anymore;
longing for a love lost,
   never had, but dreamt of.

And this is where I stand,
   sun shining, birds a twittering;
 Lost in the beauty I should be enjoying
   and the waves keep rolling.

To shout, to disturb the wind,
   Lo, i just don’t know,
  if any thing would, but come of it?
   No!  quiet, I shall observe.
   pass, evermore …

– https://ivananew.blogspot.com/2020/05/looking-back-reflecting.html?q=prufrock

Deep-Shame thinking, of being unwanted at best, and a burden at worst …

What is incubation?
Alex Trebek: that is correct!

I wonder if this is the result of the world’s response to covid? Lockdown is also a prison term, and many prisoners are far more angry and violent when they leave prison. The lockdown severely damaged the economy (esp. supply chains) in conjunction with helicopter monetary policy (gas, real estate, food) leads me to believe the war is an outward focus at a time when reflection is necessary. Add in the fact that the russians poured gasoline with the 2018 moscow schism (on their side, as kyiv is the birth of the russian people and faith – kyivan-rus) … and one reaps what they sow. “great (!) reset” is the term used by the world economic forum (WEF = WTF?!?); religiously, as Girard stated, it is the apocalypse [the great revealing; for those who have eyes to see, and ears to hear] ?

i might be in this world, but i am not of this world? or, perchance, is it a continuation of flights of fantasy and escapism rooted in puer aeternus [eternal youth; a.k.a. momma’s boy, don juan, peter pan, man-child, … arrested development]?

Mundus Imaginalis

bonus local track: [by the way, these are all addressed to my-Self; not any-one else!]

shan’t take things too seriously …

shan’t take things too not seriously …

straight-razor’s edge!?.

– the war will be serious if russia or europe [germany] turns off the natural gas pipeline (the way thee ukraine turned off water and power to crimea following russia’s annexation thereof)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Ukrainian_People%27s_Republic

some interesting info about yugo-SLAVIA from 30 years ago?

i don’t even want to read the articles … waste of my time.
why is it a waste of time? Free-Dumb! Putin = D-evil. Communism!
god knows i would hate to live under an authoritarian regime – could you imagine being coerced/manipulated/lied to take “experimental gene or cell therapies never before used in humans that have no track record of efficacy or safety” and being locked in your house for 2 years! yikes, not in the land of the free! keep that kind of non-sense in “communist” russia and china!

one man, one vote – unless the ukrainians vote for the wrong guy. Then it’s orange revolution! 2014 Coup! Lviv’s [and US’ puppets] lose in elections [more transparent and honest than american elections] and it’s down with democracy …

ever heard about that that kuchma guy? not even to mention the history of england’s machinations on the continent, including proxies against russia …

That said, in my humble opinion, nothing is going to avert a long smoldering war. Easier to focus on war when the truth about covid bubbles to the surface, when the reality of massive inflation sweeps into the grocery stores … the Great Reset is afoot – and Ukraine and Zelensky are at the forefront!

It’s like a teenager locked in his room until 18, and then that pent up rage is unleashed on the world at large! Gee, sure am glad Europe went hardcore on the lockdowns!
Berzerkers! Spring Break! Rumspringer!

More somber, however. If Ukraine is to one day be legitimate and free, it would be far easier under Putin’s Russia – why? because in 100 years, Putin will be dead, and his far less capable successor’s will have faltered, and thee Ukraine can be free and strong as a break-away republic [or, knock on wood, the economic power will remain in Moscow, art will be homed in Saint Petersburg, and the spirit/heart of kyiv-rus will be in Kyiv. If thee Ukraine joins the EU and the US, it will continue to be pillaged and raped ’till kingdom come …

you reap what you sow …
and this harvest ain’t gonna be perty …

late addition:
“I want ordinary Western people hear me, too,” Putin said. “You are being persistently told that your current difficulties are the result of Russia’s hostile actions and that you have to pay for the efforts to counter the alleged Russian threat from your own pockets. All of that is a lie.”
  “The truth is that the problems faced by millions of people in the West are the result of many years of actions by the ruling elite of your respective countries, their mistakes, and short-sighted policies and ambitions. This elite is not thinking about how to improve the lives of their citizens in Western countries. They are obsessed with their own self-serving interests and super profits.”

bonus local tracks:

an ode to the delusional … americans who don’t realize they are the peasantry, and not noble in the least – ya’ know, the ones who look down on blacks/communists/gays/feelings/dreams/life/liberals/conservatives/dems or reps/free-honest men/ ya’ know, the real poor schmucks!!! –
“People with advantages are loathe to believe that they just happen to be people with advantages. They come readily to define themselves as inherently worthy of what they possess; they come to believe themselves ‘naturally’ elite; and, in fact, to imagine their possessions and their privileges as natural extensions of their own elite selves.”
– C. Wright Mills
always looking down, because if they ever looked up at their rich gods flying over them in their gulfstreams …

I remember going on a tour cruise in the canals of miami with John, Donna, Harry [Hryhorii], Stephanya, Marko, and myself – we toured the palaces of the truly material success stories. The mansions on the islands were the respites of such luminaries as Madonna (Ma-Donna)! Yikes, did not see religion jump in right here, but it fits almost too well – “Material Girl” “Like a Virgin”. Gee whitakers, american culture was really in your face in the 80’s [Michael Jackson was the King of Pop, slowly turning white before our very eyes! – I mean, that is some snow-white level magic playing out in real time!]!

This was the only show I remember watching with parents that were somewhat amused in my early age:

Holy Moly! What cognitive dissonance! My parents war-shipped rich shallow assholes (a constant cry of Donna’s was always “why won’t Stephanya, Marie, and/or Olga ever accept me?!?). Never satisfied with John’s earnings, and the most frugal of women I have ever met (straight depression mindset – she learned to sow so that she could wear fancy dresses but never bothered to learn how to cook, no – just feed the children the re-heated left-overs of her mother’s – literally the best Ukrainian cook in the metro detroit area! – nope, don’t bother learning that – not like the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach … and she wondered why John (to be fair, he was also a momma’s boy) would eat dinner at Stephanya’s before returning to his gold-diggin’ wife!- by the way, no blame. Donna lives in fear – and her solution is money = safety = alleviation of fear = but it doesn’t work, so it’s always more, more, more … never good enough)

yikes, I digress. The culture I was supposed to emulate in order for Donna to win the love and affection of her mother, Anna (to fill the gaping hole that never received the unconditional love a child is meant to receive from his/her mother – due to the trauma of WWII? hunger? displacement? Hardy-har-Hardy!- it’s almost like her life-long obsession to learn how to bake pascha was actually a longing to feel the warmth she felt as a child when her mother, Anna, would open the oven – that blast of warm air was the closest she ever got to Anna sharing a “love” with her!

that is probably why I learned to cook. Day long gumbo from scratch, super slow roasts in the oven, keeping a bone broth going for a week …)

I am the black sheep of the Iwaniec family; it is much easier when one can blame all the inter-family problems on one person – it lifts having to look at one’s actions …

Ooh, I devolve into the scapegoat mechanism of Rene Girard:
this serious series highlights memes, the ridiculous breadth of Christianity, and how scapegoating works

to be continued, since I started this at 6 AM, and now I must prepare for 7 AM basketball this fine day, saturn-day, fifth of birch month, the 2022 year since the birth of our lord …

oh, and Harry wept when presented with the comparison to the material indulgences laid before him, for he felt like a failure! Yay! American Culture at its finest!

purpose – to never return to the dead life – Matthew 8:22

to my christian brothers

your fingertips across my skin
like palm trees swaying in the wind
images

Beethoven was inventive, Mozart followed his rules and created beauty.
Rule and Order gives the feminine the safe space to do what the feminine is meant to do: bring beauty into the world … [i am not implying mozart was feminine, just that much is possible if the rules are set up to allow beauty to flourish]

That does not mean the traditional rules do not change over time, of course they do! But those decisions are to be made slowly, and judiciously. Why? Because you are not changing rules just for yourself, silly! No, you are changing the rules for the next one, two, three (…?) generations.

YOLO!

Order out of Chaos – some organization or other – Ordo Ab Chao
* i have no idea if this is russian propoganda, it likely is. the russian pravda is in the same vein as american pravda [“news”]. What is real in a world of memes? [if true, it be true since 18.9.14]

I will close on a beautiful note, a palate cleanser, if you will. Eve, after she has bit the apple in the garden of eden, offering Adam a contract proposal: Give me your heart and soul, and I will give you the life of a rose …

and a poem I wrote on Monday, 15.11.2010 …

[the traditional view vs the modern {WOKE}view] – or devotion defined

What is the most dangerous place to be in relation to a female? – Between her and her children. What is the most dangerous place to be in relation to a male? – Between him and God.

I absolutely love Amanda Palmer, but she has a vulnerability that is easily manipulated like most women – make her fearful for the safety of those around her, and you can make her do anything you want – e.g., give those she loves a harmful vaccine.

there is a beautiful koan (?) about a female devotee that wishes to study zen. She goes to a monastery, and asks to study under the master. The master sees she is sincere, but tells her that her presence will be a distraction to the other monks/devotees. She is simply too beautiful! And the students are still too weak. She leaves dejected. What does she do next?

That evening, on her voyage [back home? to another monastery/master?] she starts a fire for the evening. She places an iron rod into the fire. She cuts her hair while the iron gets scolding hot. Finished saying goodbye to her hair (grieving), she grabs the iron and scolds her face. She returns to the same monastery (best come-back ever? compare her come-back with kim kardashians!) and the master admits her on sight! That is devotion! She is a viking female warrior! She is Joan of Arc! She is Kassiani! She has just sacrificed the outward feminine! She is now ready to become a whole human being [holy]!

Trigger warning to the following-followers (?): to the wokesters, to feminists, to those who believe the sexes are equal, to the catholics, to the polish; to those who worship anything before God, tradition, ancestors … including those who war-ship their wives, their mothers, more than God. To quote Donna: “No! Not in front of the kids!” Women, step aside!

To Tadeusz Kościuszko:

[and this is why “ukraine” isn’t real; the people only follow hugely charismatic leaders – be it Bohdan Zynoviy Mykhailovych Khmelnytsky, Ivan Mazepa, Adolph Hitler, or Zelensky – I do not blame Zelensky, I blame the idiots who voted for him – peasant farmers following tell-a-vision rather than that other famous guy; what was his name?- died and rose from the dead, i tell ya …]

If on the road to enlightenment, one comes across buddha – kill buddha.
[do not follow one’s idols all the way]

Taras Bulba was adament that his sons would not go to Krakow [the kyiv academy, overseen by polish nobility, was feminine enough]

This is the current president of thee Ukraine:

TO BE CLEAR, THIS IS NOT AN ANTI-SEMITIC/JEWISH RANT.

This is to say that Zelensky is an actor, and a shitty comedian. It means he is laughably unqualified for the office he holds (if it were anything but a facade to western imperialism).

THE REAL PROBLEM IS HE HAS NO CONTROL OF “UKRAINE”:

https://www.moonofalabama.org/2022/03/zelensky-and-the-fascists-he-will-hang-on-some-tree-on-khreshchatyk.html

the fact that he is jewish is a great cover for the crazy ukrainian nazis

3:15 AM, March 1, Saint Petersburg, Florida …
I was watching an interview, it being the last day I allowed myself to smoke before lent preparations …

I consider Amanda Palmer one of my spiritual mothers; a joan of arc when it comes to honesty.

There is loud, annoying banging coming from the apartment complex building next to my window. I go check it out. I find a young woman there, apparently locked out. I saw her earlier in the day, so I know she was staying with the Cadillac young men. I go outside, and ask her what’s going on.

She was either not interested or capable of intelligeble responses. She’s shaking, and banging louder and louder. I get a little closer. She is only wearing a tight yoga outfit, and is generally disheveled. Drunk, something else? I ask where she’s from – Michigan. No, like are you from around here? Where are you coming from? A few more questions – no keys, no phone, no wallet; she doesn’t even have any footwear.

I ask for a little more information as her banging on the door gets louder and more incessant. I tell her to stop, since it is clear that what she is doing is not working. I get my coat because I am slightly cold, and she clearly was a shivering. When I go to hand it to her, she initially turns and cowers in fear.
[After about 30 minutes, the situation is finally resolved mind you, I don’t have this particular neighbor’s phone no., nor is the landlord answering the phone, and banging on every door and window also did not work. and yes, both cadillac men were in the apartment during this time, but apparently instead of looking out the window or asking what was going on, me and the young woman had a shotgun pointed at us, unbeknownst to me at the time – Yay!]

At 18, I went on spring break with Derek, Tracy, and Tracy. Donna bought me a fifth of stolichnaya and hennessy. The second night in Madiera Beach, away from John and Donna, we settled in to watch the 1997 ncaa mens’ basketball championship between Arizona and Kentucky (Arizona was robbed, I tell you!). Anyways, a fifth of vodka (mixed with pepsi, tip of the ol’ hat to the drink of choice of one Jan Iwaniec) during my first real drinking experience. [needless to say, I spent most of the night with my head in the toilet – I assume I was close to alcohol poisoning? – ]

My first time away from John and Donna, with access to alcohol, and what do I do? I unconsciously/unknowingly attempt to drink myself to death. Ah, the vestiges of growing up – Freedom! Oblivion! Death! ….

I would not wish the next 20 years on my enemies.

It’s the lying that I will not tolerate. It’s the use of words that people have no real definition for.

The most important being love.

https://youtu.be/im_WUnSYa2E

Yay!- I do believe my rite of passage into adulthood has been addressed.https://harbar.blogspot.com/2013/08/labour-day-breakers.html

You know, I sure am glad things were easy back then … Hello world! [initiate self-destruct sequence]

so, i walk the streets, just tryin to get it right

end of the article [ha! turns out it was just half the time]
bonus tracks: [war and peace]

my favourite interaction: i spent a bit of time with my lovely neighbors at the presbyterian re-tire-ment home (they were selling miscellaneous things of their own collection/making)
so on one table, there were a bunch of ceramics. christmas, santa, etc. the largest piece was a lovely ceramic rooster.
my mind went dirty. so I told the lovely lady that the piece was a little too on the nose for my apt. I don’t need another big cock. Thank God she started laughing. And then teasing me. “You need this piece, or are you a Chicken!” was her last sales attempt/jive.
one of the best come backs I have ever heard.

I remember that event. I was 9 years old. Super-level boring. I was so excited for the ending though. The plan was to release a dule/pitying of doves. Yeah. Set the scene.

This event literally comes around once every 1000 years.

The doves had clipped wings, unbeknownst to the organizers. (pet shop doves?)

Moment comes. Doves don’t fly when their cages are opened.

Is there a better metaphor for the first 40 years of my life?

The impotence at such a time of importance. Ha!

THE ANSWER IS NOT “MOTHER” RUSSIA!!!

9

The answer also is not to play russian roulette:

What is the reason for danger in this scene?

Ego. Assumptions?

I’ve already played russian roulette (with covid, on my bike negotiating with steel cars)

Why play again?

words

I already know the answer.

[My last vice: information ?]

I have learned how to “be in harmony” in the world. this is for the lovely e.e. c. who helped me reach this conclusion. She was also at the rummage sale. She is a reverend and recently joined an orthodox church. She had a long poem she recited to me. I noticed her initials were the same as e.e. cummings, and she had written a book of poetry on the grieving process. So, it took me a few minutes to find the quote [near the top of the article] I had floating around my head, because I did not want to paraphrase.

Now focus on love.

the power of naming:

what was my nickname in the advanced placement calculus at plymouth-salem?
Mr. Cotner called me FUBAR.
where did I get the most f’d up in saint petersburg back in the day? – not even aware of the irony!!!
the power of suggestion?

and a final re-mind-er: I’ll always have kyiv in my heart, and I can return in my mind anytime I like. It does not mean I have to physically be there.
I have my priorities, and the rest is non-essential.

It does not mean to ignore and avoid difficult topics, however.

bonus local tracks: