feel, to [IANMBK]

Not real proud of my latest slip up, drinking again. Why did I invite that chaos back? Why the slide?
Job search, looking at my resume, comparison to others ;
Easier to not think about it.
Television is boring. Want to make it more interesting?
Websites, to avoid the dread of work (the whole, there is something wrong with the world, not me!). Bad routines/falling into old shitty habits.

I know the prescription; short-term, unplug, out in the sun, reintegrate body, mind, soul.
Long-term is the problem; I am refusing to stand up for myself again. On the cusp of making some changes in my life – and I retreat, slowly at first; harder.
Be honest John, be honest with the feeling- wherever it may lead (and don’t engage in activities that diminish the ability to feel).

There was a guy sitting on a bench; what’s the secret? That’s it, be open, honest. And endure – everyday, every moment.
As opposed to the car at the red light, windows down, playing music loudly- lyrics of murder – how I start and end my day is a focal point.

It is also a common theme – I started working out more the last couple of weeks; seems like my caloric intake was likely on the low side – common, unfortunately for me – eventually, beer becomes a pleasant night time treat, and so easy to prepare!
The real problem is that one morning – indubitably, the question is begged; why not have a beer for breakfast?

There is another problem – I wanted to end the year off strong; so, the illogic of having a few beers before austerity; able to at least stem the tide somewhat. Now, what is it I really want…

It also didn’t help I was reading a book on the great bird flu hoax, and watched depressing movies/shows. God, the list is atrocious; garbage in, garbage out; The Lovers of Montparnasse, Archer, Wire, True Detective, The Social Dilemna, Capital, Justified; devolving to sideways at a point, ugh.

It’s strange though, how positive I was this morning. I felt like shit, but there was an optimism – like, the storm has passed, and time to move on, in, out. [IANMBK]

purpose/priorities/endurance (perseverance)…

faded dreams (of the weak-week)

A shared glace
Of recognizance
an awkwardness
dance of remembrance (I doubt myself)
the inner critic tells me
to not chance
the opportunity.
“better left to dreams,
than tested by reality”.

I lost my way,
an emptiness searching to be filled
with the shallow acceptance from others,
a job done, out of spite.
sometimes, when we win, we actually lose –
lost chasing imposed dreams, instead of commitment
to things important, to me.
The responsibility of losing,
through another’s eyes, spoken from another’s mouth.

A stroll on streets
not quite known.
All left vague,
except for the granular grit
at my lips.
humbly entertaining,
as the city
wakes from her slumber
Water, buildings, trash,
People.
here, there, it matters not,
as long as I get to that table.-
a chance again
at realizing that dream.

Time is an illusion;
allusions shared of the dumb nothings meant to
daze – of what should I speak, if not shared beliefs
from the future I come,
to share the timeless nature of it all.

Too busy running (after trinkets, fame, prizes)
I don’t notice, it matters not –
what’s done is done
[words have no effect- really and not ideally]
Words can change perceptions,
stories laid on events;
but did it really happen, if everyone says otherways –
Aha!
I’ll know, and that is all I care (of)
[let others do as they please!]

Running up and through,
those church steps slowed opponents;
no etiquette that I shall abide,
for the sake of reverence to traditions long gone.
Acquiescence,
given from my knees, is the offer –
gold is hanging in exchange,
a quick pleasing of others,
it is thought;
a lifetime to remember,
that I did not stand up.

Regret lives forever

it’s corny, but I took this pic four weeks ago, and lo, it fits here, so here it goes
[“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”]

[as does glory, integrity, honesty …]

what is

Passionate Meaning Making; a phrase by E. Maisel.

Awareness, intention, meaning. Some Friday morning pics:

Callous and selfish,
The sun rises yet again,
without a care on where it shines.
The uplifted dregs smile, to one another;
smiling inwards, that there is a reason to strive,
a reason to be
fulfilled with warm optimism;
not of goals, milestones, or accomplishment;
but of a solemn acceptance,
that, this day too, is.

First post

A general idea of what I am attempting to do, here.

Layout thoughts, in a structured manner – to better understand, and feel things through.

Testing image use, maybe some videos from time to time. Learning how to use social media, hands-on. Including things like SEO (?), keywords, etc. Of which, I am leery, and apprehensive. It will be a work in progress; a new challenge.

More so than what I was doing at my old blog, gently down the stream.
[or the even older blog, quixotic musings.]