fundamentally, the current hurdle … [dilemna]

[ The poignant quotes below this imbed are sourced from this article: ]

“And now, you are seeking only to have something given to you, without having given anything, just like a beggar. It is not that you are poor financially, but that you are poor in spirit.”

“Self-reliance is not an economic issue or a work issue. It is an attitude toward life, an issue of lifestyle. At some point, the time will come when you resolve to love someone. That will be when you achieve separation from your childhood lifestyle and achieve true self-reliance. Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.”

“To get away from dependency upon being loved, the only thing one can do is love. It is accomplished by loving. Not by waiting to be loved or waiting for that perfect mate, but loving of one’s own volition. That is the only way.” – the perilous fantastical shaped by mere words
the avoidance of risk in erasing one’s existence
if i don’t act and ignore – i will not be disappointed
the culmination of a life not lived


i was reading about david foster wallace* recently, and watched an interview of his … a lifelong seeking of approval?- unreachable when dependent on others’ perceptions. that narcissistic need to be believed, for others to accept your perspective/version of reality regardless of things like so-called facts … [more than likely uncomfortable/awkward truths]. the interview was interesting for the number of times he apologized (for not communicating clearly, making sense, asking if the interviewer understood him) – and explained how he was a writer (vs. actual (live) communication – the disconnect between words and emotions comes to mind [especially his constant grimacing]).
*i read very few pages of infinite jest, and found it unenjoyable; fyi

there is a theory that basically posits something in the same vein [but on the opposite end of the spectrum] – solipsism, the kybalion, the saviours of god , transurfing reality, ask and it shall be given , the secret, neville goddard, etc.

{my mind often jumps too far forward – see above – don’t seek the approval of others: i am the master of my own domain; not in a prideful, hubristic way though … it’s just that — auth — }

and good, pleasant things start to happen; this is the most dangerous time for me, for my relapse, my descent back to … {i could not possibly be worthy} … i looked back at a photo of myself from ~ 15 years ago, and thinking, wow, i looked good, why did i always think i was barely average; that baseline of pejorative dialogue [often not even consciously present, but when awareness is brought forth]. another example is my dialogue of being unintelligent, eventhough on entrance exams i placed in the top 1% {intellect is not wisdom, and over intellectualization without action/agency is … the main story of my life} – and yet

it’s not a pity parade, that happened a few days ago, culminating in the universe sending a bus that didn’t see me [for clarity’s sake, the bus cut me off, causing me to lock up the brakes on my bicycle, causing me to hurdle over my handlebars]… it’s the paradox of this – i really am, in a lot of ways, the man i wanted to be, and yet … [ dilemna ]

and yet

It’s that letting go — trusting in something greater than i — and really trusting, when my mind recoils to the counterargument inherent in the way of the fool {the perception of it moreso than the actual; i.e., the desire of parental/familial approval based on outer appearances to strangers [esp. material] rather than the inherent value of being [a human with a soul worthy of God’s love]}

Gratitude for what is. Gratitude – Gratefullness. But along with the ability to not just be a passive observor. Not to be incarnated to sit on a chair and stare into a screen for the majority of my life. And, at the same time, to avoid the pitfalls of a narcissistic self drive, that includes the endless victimization and worship of a painful past. Shaking off the old trauma imprints, with full responsibility, of asking for my own suffering narcissism – and relenting – to rejoice in my sufferings as an opportunity for prayer and approaching God.

while enjoying a bowl of fresh raw cream, pumpkin seeds, cacao nibs, frozen blueberries, and
a handful of bitter almonds [apricot seeds] —
instead of usually just biting down
intuition told me there was something off

they ain’t called stone fruits for nothin’
[¡possible cracked tooth avoided!]

The summation: When fully engaged with life, on a baseline of what is, of honouring Truth, of the sacred and not the profane; painful lessons can either be avoided or minimized through the be learned through effort and humility in the mental/spiritual realms, or actualized on the material level … ?– [and of great import, what is learned must be consciously applied] — at the least , ’tis my working theory [in re life]

[ do you see the metaphor ?— kernel of truth !
and I’m not being corny … i was looking at the seed the next morning, still unbelievably gratefull that i had not bit into it … when the metaphor revealed itself …
trust, intuition, truth ]


on a humourous post script note:
i have yelled at the bus driver a few times for almost hitting me on previous occasions … and this sign is immediately in front of where this particular bus stops, and then jerkingly quick-merges with traffic across the bike lane:

ironic, don’t you think ?

on being careful of what one asks for, and then does not pursue
[note: the bus incident happened the day after the eclipse, if that is of any celestial import; i.e., time has run it’s course without sufficient resolution … ?]

music outro:

the universe [one verse – albeit in polyphony ; all be it ; it be all]

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