Not real proud of my latest slip up, drinking again. Why did I invite that chaos back? Why the slide?
Job search, looking at my resume, comparison to others ;
Easier to not think about it.
Television is boring. Want to make it more interesting?
Websites, to avoid the dread of work (the whole, there is something wrong with the world, not me!). Bad routines/falling into old shitty habits.
I know the prescription; short-term, unplug, out in the sun, reintegrate body, mind, soul.
Long-term is the problem; I am refusing to stand up for myself again. On the cusp of making some changes in my life – and I retreat, slowly at first; harder.
Be honest John, be honest with the feeling- wherever it may lead (and don’t engage in activities that diminish the ability to feel).
There was a guy sitting on a bench; what’s the secret? That’s it, be open, honest. And endure – everyday, every moment.
As opposed to the car at the red light, windows down, playing music loudly- lyrics of murder – how I start and end my day is a focal point.
It is also a common theme – I started working out more the last couple of weeks; seems like my caloric intake was likely on the low side – common, unfortunately for me – eventually, beer becomes a pleasant night time treat, and so easy to prepare!
The real problem is that one morning – indubitably, the question is begged; why not have a beer for breakfast?
There is another problem – I wanted to end the year off strong; so, the illogic of having a few beers before austerity; able to at least stem the tide somewhat. Now, what is it I really want…
It also didn’t help I was reading a book on the great bird flu hoax, and watched depressing movies/shows. God, the list is atrocious; garbage in, garbage out; The Lovers of Montparnasse, Archer, Wire, True Detective, The Social Dilemna, Capital, Justified; devolving to sideways at a point, ugh.
It’s strange though, how positive I was this morning. I felt like shit, but there was an optimism – like, the storm has passed, and time to move on, in, out. [IANMBK]