damn the tor-pe-dont’s

coming back around again :

just patrick ryan’s answer, stop at that point (i suggest)

a family story to leave behind, where it belongs:
an extremely over-inflated super ego ; and the total lack of ego, to the point that self-protection is seen as anathema [*] … that to even want to be ad-dressed by my own given name is a symptom of being egotistical, narcissistic, disloyal, disparaging, etc.

The super ego : that which is above the individual ego – family, religion, country, political party, money, job, abstract ideas, etc. Do i fit into a larger structure – as meaning, importance, safety (the appearance thereof) ?

Growing up, i was not allowed individual expression. I was allowed to be smart (defined as giving others the answers they wanted), i was allowed to be “ukrainian” (especially to perform recitals; showing others i can do the song and dance as expected).

To wit: my name is john andrew harbar. my family called me “ivan”, pronounced as “yvonne” (the cyrillic language doesn’t use the english “i” sound). Up and through my 20s, i did not respond to john – teachers and family called me “harbar” [i.e., by my super-ego identification]. My mother, at a very young age, made sure to tell me how much she hated my name – “john”. She wanted to name me “taras”. Along with the hatred of my given name (john) – was the hatred of my father – you guessed it – john. The focal point of all my mother’s ills and disappointments – and to whose blame all the misery of the family would be directed – blame, shame, etc.

My maternal grandfather’s name in english was jan iwaniec – translated from slavic, it was literally john johnson; i.e., john, the son of john. John, the son of John [needless to say, the maternal family hated john johnson, and adored anna [except maria, who hated them both]. Descendant of John, son of John. And yet, the hatred for the name John. The hatred for anything other than the giving and performing for others.

An unindividuated person denied my own first name … and ridiculed for asking to be called John – at the least, i understand why family means so very little to me .

add in, how many times i’ve heard my mother tell me how she wished she would have been more aware, so as to never have ended up with my father. yes, hatred of my name, regret for having me, hatred for half of what constitutes me … ironically, my mother’s biggest gripe against my father in a letter from the divorce was how my father’s family did not accept her. Literally, more than half of the letter (~ 70%) had nothing to do with her husband – no, he meant nothing to her by and large, just that his mother and sisters did not accept her (stephanya, my paternal grandmother did not accept one of her own daughters, fwiw) –

Ironic, because that lack of acceptance is what i’ve always felt around family …
hardy-har-har …

to be at peace is to have acceptance, gratitude, awareness

tyme to let go of the resentment, let go of the desire to prove my worth / gain acceptance to those that have no interest in who i am … and never have — more accurately, the very budding of individuality is smothered at the first hints of divergence from … the sanctioned, official story: “We had it easy, whether feelings were suppressed, communication was not existent, or all sorts of rules were in place – we had it easy.”  [ rinse and repeat ad infinitum {the origin story}, i.e. you are bad; return to being a deaf-dumb-mute-powerless child {like the good old days ! ]

[*] – respecting and protecting mySelf – there have been times in my life that i have literally been punched in the face, and i did not even protect mySelf. So much of my life i have avoided any type of opening up from the unconscious expectation of having to obliterate the tiny semblance of self that i could just but see a glimpse of, in isolation [esp. under the safety and welcome embrace of a warm sun]
inspiration , and the guy kind of looks like john johnson

what is the point ?
Glad i asked mySelf that !– in the last year, i have had quite the wild ups and downs. the loss of familial relations has been cemented in, by and large [ alas, certainly not my first choice ]… and yet, instead of moving on, and continuing on the progress i was making in my own life … i retreated into the super-ego intellectual-masturbatory trivialities of the slavic civil war …

Hardy-har-har ! life can be so gra – grating gracious gray gradual gratuitous grand gracefull ? so there is the flight from the ego into either the id (animalesque passions) or the superego (intellectual flight into more abstract realms).

I will end with this lengthy excerpt from Ronald Thomas West:

Cosmology is the Conspiracy
It would appear quite possible that groups of people create collective realities seeming unconsciously, and cause via their collective belief, events to take on what would appear to be an ‘unconscious’ but in reality is a ‘super-conscious’ intelligence that is organized, functions as though it were managed by individuals (even when it is not) and the result is, we can read into those events as though they were managed in a sense they actually are not.
This collective ‘meme’ can explain what is called in the biblical sense ‘principalities of darkness’ or that is to say a ‘spirit of evil’ managing events in a sense of both conspiracy and superstition.
There is quite a bit of ‘coincidental incidence’ in our world indicating peoples of the western culture are creating reality quite independent of self- aware thought and, to a rational observer, it could seem almost certainly by design when in fact this is not necessarily the case. Such would explain a belief in Illuminati when in fact it did not exist in any individual self conscious or ego-aware organized form but nevertheless manifest as an observable phenomena of symptoms or consequence derived from a collective super-conscious phenomenon.
A conclusion could be there is a ‘super awareness’ of the group causes what appears to be ingenious evil of conspiracy when in fact there is no one individual or group of managers within the group capable of implementing these designs which, nonetheless in actuality, are perceived.

To accomplish a reality of evil would only require evil ideas as cultural drivers

from the family to the world ! as above, so below :
⸘ is the internet a driver to the id [porn] and the super-ego [politics], at the hands of superficial/narcissistic/shallow/fragile ego [influencers, twitter] ‽ a place of endless wonderment, or fear and be-little-ing ?

aaahhh, breathin’ out the toxic fumes …
continued in part II …

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