ending the beginning

it was grasping what the story was ; what stories are

— naïveté demands betrayal —

the chapter , i close , once and for all , god-willing , unto the next with grateful remembrance and embrace;

[ and , as opposed to autistic , thanks full giving ]


did you know that venetian / vatican intelligence told the golden horde / mongols / khans which scythian / slavic [/tartarian] places to attack and when ? What is “real” , “history” ;

all it takes is a good story.

dis-claimer – this is meant as a start of questions
and not put forth as truth

what i’m currently playing with – catholic/christian ritual is based on blood – sacrifice and communion – what is the importance of blood and ritualhow do vaccines [ 144,000 and 216,000 ] play into it ? waste of time, energy; the re-re-turn:

alchemical furnacing

if one wanted to tune the blood via electromagneticism and fear and nano and extraction via material means … mass ritual

is one moon enoughfacts be curious

thank you, in full fill ment of grace :
the real duty of the human being is not to question, question, question;
it is the affirmation of self beyond questioning

[another] update to inter(j)est

inter(j)est article was updated (due to a busted youtube video)

A link below the new video therewithin was so extra-ordinary, it deserves its own post:

[ agree to the consent, and watch the whole thing in one go for the interactive portion to work properly : { it is approximately ~ 1 hour and 3 minutes long } ]

[ ¿ is google the modern day confessional ? ]

the bait was free music

the ending of the documentary re-minded me of the following :

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/262956617_The_horror_of_a_doppelganger_in_documentary_film – [ the point is true , notwithstanding Lacanian bullshit ]

Nothing in Excess ※ Know ThySelf ※ Surety is Ruin

— auth —

zoom out

[ addendum to — inter(j)est — ]
slight conjecture , if one allows it …
{ and by slight , i meany massive }
— know thyself —
honesty/truth is a solution , for which escape/hiding* is no longer a viable option
at the end of the day; – no.body that honours the escapade ; yet not over-indulgence spilling into war-ship

El -ect-ric El-ohim
also compare a [french] cathedral round glass window with a speaker –
⸘ amplification ‽

* the invisible rainbow [ it’s in the queue , making this post premature ] :

and it all matters –
in the sense that it is material control used to influence the mind -> soul -> spirit …
it is illusory , as a matter of course ;
an aetherial battle waged in a lost war
[ what can i say , i do enjoy studying stratagems , perhaps a bit too much ]

— inter(j)est —

finally jaded ( ¿ apophenic yawning ? )
quick in memoriam : a favourite scene / sequence in a movie :

there are signs everywhere

i am done with an earlier article – boo-boo
and after suffering being awaken by another kind of boo-boo

’tis a matter of perspective, no yes

this will build on – for, perhaps, an on-going synthesis – an amalgamation of sorts –

made to measure – full documentary
*former youtube video apparently down the memory hole

“Without a well-developed, enduring private self*, people feel threatened by all progress, all freedom, all new challenges, and then experience annihilation anxiety, fears that the fragile self is disintegrating, since situations that call for self-assertion trigger memories of maternal abandonment.” –

not worth watching past the ~ 40 minute mark [amish bs]

4K TV/X(twitter) and the power of Narrative ; in a sea of Propaganda … is this important ? [ the nature of media and feelings ]
The demand to be lied to … and then feign outrage at the farce of being a willing dupe … a fool ? and in the end, it was i that kept enthralled in delirium ; the steady infusion of entrainment ;

— auth —

are we in the middle of a war ? all-ways ? [verbum vincet]
in the beginning was the word

the vertical and horizontal caught me eye

[ to be continued , {maybe} ]

post script: https://popehead.substack.com/p/exiting-the-witch-house

fundamentally, the current hurdle … [dilemna]

[ The poignant quotes below this imbed are sourced from this article: ]

“And now, you are seeking only to have something given to you, without having given anything, just like a beggar. It is not that you are poor financially, but that you are poor in spirit.”

“Self-reliance is not an economic issue or a work issue. It is an attitude toward life, an issue of lifestyle. At some point, the time will come when you resolve to love someone. That will be when you achieve separation from your childhood lifestyle and achieve true self-reliance. Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.”

“To get away from dependency upon being loved, the only thing one can do is love. It is accomplished by loving. Not by waiting to be loved or waiting for that perfect mate, but loving of one’s own volition. That is the only way.”

https://getimg.ai/ – the perilous fantastical shaped by mere words
the avoidance of risk in erasing one’s existence
if i don’t act and ignore – i will not be disappointed
the culmination of a life not lived


i was reading about david foster wallace* recently, and watched an interview of his … a lifelong seeking of approval?- unreachable when dependent on others’ perceptions. that narcissistic need to be believed, for others to accept your perspective/version of reality regardless of things like so-called facts … [more than likely uncomfortable/awkward truths]. the interview was interesting for the number of times he apologized (for not communicating clearly, making sense, asking if the interviewer understood him) – and explained how he was a writer (vs. actual (live) communication – the disconnect between words and emotions comes to mind [especially his constant grimacing]).
*i read very few pages of infinite jest, and found it unenjoyable; fyi

there is a theory that basically posits something in the same vein [but on the opposite end of the spectrum] – solipsism, the kybalion, the saviours of god , transurfing reality, ask and it shall be given , the secret, neville goddard, etc.

{my mind often jumps too far forward – see above – don’t seek the approval of others: i am the master of my own domain; not in a prideful, hubristic way though … it’s just that — auth — }

and good, pleasant things start to happen; this is the most dangerous time for me, for my relapse, my descent back to … {i could not possibly be worthy} … i looked back at a photo of myself from ~ 15 years ago, and thinking, wow, i looked good, why did i always think i was barely average; that baseline of pejorative dialogue [often not even consciously present, but when awareness is brought forth]. another example is my dialogue of being unintelligent, eventhough on entrance exams i placed in the top 1% {intellect is not wisdom, and over intellectualization without action/agency is … the main story of my life} – and yet

it’s not a pity parade, that happened a few days ago, culminating in the universe sending a bus that didn’t see me [for clarity’s sake, the bus cut me off, causing me to lock up the brakes on my bicycle, causing me to hurdle over my handlebars]… it’s the paradox of this – i really am, in a lot of ways, the man i wanted to be, and yet … [ dilemna ]

and yet

It’s that letting go — trusting in something greater than i — and really trusting, when my mind recoils to the counterargument inherent in the way of the fool {the perception of it moreso than the actual; i.e., the desire of parental/familial approval based on outer appearances to strangers [esp. material] rather than the inherent value of being [a human with a soul worthy of God’s love]}

Gratitude for what is. Gratitude – Gratefullness. But along with the ability to not just be a passive observor. Not to be incarnated to sit on a chair and stare into a screen for the majority of my life. And, at the same time, to avoid the pitfalls of a narcissistic self drive, that includes the endless victimization and worship of a painful past. Shaking off the old trauma imprints, with full responsibility, of asking for my own suffering narcissism – and relenting – to rejoice in my sufferings as an opportunity for prayer and approaching God.

while enjoying a bowl of fresh raw cream, pumpkin seeds, cacao nibs, frozen blueberries, and
a handful of bitter almonds [apricot seeds] —
instead of usually just biting down
intuition told me there was something off

they ain’t called stone fruits for nothin’
[¡possible cracked tooth avoided!]

The summation: When fully engaged with life, on a baseline of what is, of honouring Truth, of the sacred and not the profane; painful lessons can either be avoided or minimized through the be learned through effort and humility in the mental/spiritual realms, or actualized on the material level … ?– [and of great import, what is learned must be consciously applied] — at the least , ’tis my working theory [in re life]

[ do you see the metaphor ?— kernel of truth !
and I’m not being corny … i was looking at the seed the next morning, still unbelievably gratefull that i had not bit into it … when the metaphor revealed itself …
trust, intuition, truth ]


on a humourous post script note:
i have yelled at the bus driver a few times for almost hitting me on previous occasions … and this sign is immediately in front of where this particular bus stops, and then jerkingly quick-merges with traffic across the bike lane:

ironic, don’t you think ?

on being careful of what one asks for, and then does not pursue
[note: the bus incident happened the day after the eclipse, if that is of any celestial import; i.e., time has run it’s course without sufficient resolution … ?]

music outro:

the universe [one verse – albeit in polyphony ; all be it ; it be all]

! boo boo ¡

this piece is dark ; and more or less done :
as a primer, one might want to be familiar of the power of victimization in general; i.e., the jewish story by and by, but also used by the ukies [tldr – it’s easy to commit atrocities under the cover of being the eternal victim, and a persecuted people – the psychology of pity and self-pity therein is especially illuminating ]

… now, unto the news/olds/same-same ruse:

Last note, chabad judaism flourished in ukraine/khazaria; zelensky and kolomoisky are both jewish … that is to beg the question of the second front the US has been bombarded with; wait, russia/syria was the start, ukraine the second front, [georgia? azerbaijan? shiite, yugoslavia ?] china/taiwan the feign all along ! Alas, is putin in on it? it’s entirely possible, and almost a certainty that some under him are or were compromised (prigozhin the caterer ?) fractions of an understanding in a faction… too many events in re thee ukraine conflict simply don’t add up. yikes, on ward:

– let in? concert was announced the day before? intentional stand-down? return of the night of the gliders? Another nine 11 ? 6th of january ? I mean, it’s either the most sophisticated military intelligences in the world are mostly useless or … recently there was a debate on twitter over the ADL that Elon Musk actually chimed in on – how easy ’twas to beat the carpet to inflame on that topic, and send people down jewish rabbit holes of those more than useless conspiracies (too trapped in zion)

back to the competing factions; smaller yet more powerful, wealthy, and influential than actual governments and corporations and banks and … a spectre (spectacular, if not competitive [“competition is a sin” some rich guy]) amalgamation of shifting powers and principalities [aggrandizers, if one will]. Why know any of this; is this the hubris of useless facts ?

he testified at the U.N. to the same effect
although he seems quite untrustworthy

another article – again, i’m not saying this is true, but the official narrative is as believable as the kyiv-rus civil war , the iraq wars, the spanish-american war; damn – the world is a stage, stop following/allowing this garbage into my life !!! [a note to mySelf]

… still untrustworthy

– october is the time of revolution – all hallow’s eve – the night before all saints’ day, or drawing out of the old-world seers ?

it be jews Israeli is time – gaetz torpedoed ukraine black money, so the best victims in the world stepped up !
Hell, i bet there be babies without heads ! … classic baby killing !!!

i am not trying to be cynical – every conflict in the heater stages includes “atrocities” meant to get blood a boiling … emotions, the driver of action in the human being ? The real question is why is there so much more air time to the side of Palestine; instigate more chaos? Beat the carpets to root out further possible dissidents? Twitter/X is the perfect platform for getting emotional reflex responses out of people – tweet immediately and as emotional as possible to feed the algos … especially since twitter monetized recently. This is also why twitter/x was likely given to elohimusk ; get rid of the censorship [access depth and reach of increasing network/individual data], because it was time to get angry and controversial ?

ever onward.

too close to

excerpt from : https://psychohistory.com/books/the-emotional-life-of-nations/chapter-5-the-psychogenic-theory-of-history/ :

“… being told by a parent that they wished one would die are more traumatic to the self than, say, more painful accidents.113 Without a well-developed, enduring private self*, people feel threatened by all progress, all freedom, all new challenges, and then experience annihilation anxiety, fears that the fragile self is disintegrating, since situations that call for self-assertion trigger memories of maternal abandonment. Masterson calls this by the umbrella term “abandonment depression,” beneath which, he says, “ride the Six Horsemen of the Psychic Apocalypse: Depression, Panic, Rage, Guilt, Helplessness (hopelessness), and Emptiness (void) [that] wreak havoc across the psychic landscape leaving pain and terror in their wake.”114 Whether the early traumas or rejections were because the mothers were openly abandoning, over-controlling and abusive, clinging, or just threatened by the child’s emerging individuation, the results are much the same-the child learns to fear parts of his or her potential self that threatens the disapproval or loss of the mother. As Socarides has observed,115 fears of growth, individuation and self assertion that carry threatening feelings of disintegration lead to desires to merge with the omnipotent mother literally to crawl back into the womb desires which immediately turn into fears of maternal engulfment, since the merging would involve total loss of the self. When Socarides’ patients make moves to individuate-like moving into their own apartment or getting a new job-they have dreams of being swallowed by whirlpools or devoured by monsters. The only salvation from these maternal engulfment wishes/fears is a “flight to external reality from internal reality,”116 a flight in which social institutions play a central role, as we shall shortly discover. Many people who have been in psychotherapy become conscious of this individuation panic and flight to external reality when they begin to grow, break free of old emotional patterns and start to feel their freedom. These fears can be characterized as an all-pervasion growth panic that traumatized individuals (nearly everyone) constantly carry around during their daily lives. Masterson quotes one of his patients:

I was walking down the street and suddenly I was engulfed in a feeling of absolute freedom. I could taste it. I knew I was capable of doing whatever I wanted. When I looked at other people, I really saw them without being concerned about how they were looking at me…I was just being myself and thought that I had uncovered the secret of life: being in touch with your own feelings and expressing them openly with others, not worrying so much about how others felt about you.

Then just as suddenly as it came, it disappeared. I panicked and started thinking about the million things I had to do at the studio, of errands I needed to run after work. I began to feel nauseous and started sweating. I headed for my apartment, running most of the way. When I got in, I felt that I had been pursued. By what? Freedom, I guess.117

It is this manic flight to action a flight that is a defense against growth panic that is the emotional source of much of social behavior. Manic acting-out in social activity is a universal addiction, similar in its effects to the dopamine agonistic effects of cocaine. That’s why leaders so often take manic drugs, like John F. Kennedy during the Gulf Crisis (amphetamines) and George Bush during the Gulf War (Halcion). Like drugs, grandiose manic social activities such as war and political domination produce a temporary elation and a dopamine surge, but not the lasting joy of self-discovery and love. “

— cocayano —

* the irony is not lost on me; that said, if you think you have privacy in this digital age … i’ve got some bad news for you …